A wriggle to know the real me, to explore the things coming out in my way.. a lot has done yet a lot has to be done.. i hardly have any regret from life.. i just love my life the way it is for if the past haven't had happened i wouldn't have know the value of my present n my future.. My blog is a reflection of what i feel when I'm glad to skyrocketing heights and also when I'm low to seabed depths.. my experiences.. my memories and many more things that you may revael youself..!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

!nNoCeNcE rEl0@dEd ...........!!

I'm not very clear about the puddle of views crossing my mind that has been rising a few red flags in my head but i had to write about this...may be that way i'll be illuminated....
As we all come of age, things (inside and outside) change in a prolific manner.....some of them in absolute and some just re-modified...Either way, another piece of your pure shining soul has been smudge darkened.
Perhaps some of them vanish....innocence is one of them (and it explains the darkness smuged)....however that is not only what has flooded my minds with morning thoughts....i had (still have) this left-field habit of talking to God every sec of the day (i believe/hope it is OK to do so), call it naive or alien...well as i was talking about this habit of mine....at the age of 10 i started writing mails to God (oh yes i emailed him....such a tech savvy kid i was)....n to this day i continue doing so.... every single night i write to God about how my day went...what i did (good/bad)............what score i got today....how my handwriting was praised....how i boasted about my new colors... how my studies are getting tougher and tougher....how unbearable is my new form teacher....how glad i am to be a house captain...how well our house performance was all throughout the year....how i have been a good daughter n a brilliant sister...n how badly i have been nagging my mom n dad......how n for what i had fights with my sis.....why i am so thrillingly happy....or disconsolate.....feeling left-out....how badly i am in love.......how heartbroken i am.............so basically it was about all how,when,why,what, all other possible inquisitive n hush hush stuff (we all have our secrets no)....
last night i reread one of those mails (an early one)...here it goes

Dear Gody
I will not ask how you are today because you gave me so much of pain today and i am angry with you. Why did you do this ?
I worship you daily still u gave all this suffering to me. It's been a week that i have not gone to school.
Besides that it pains very badly. Every time the bandage is done i scream so loud out of pain and the doctor scolds me. I do not like that doctor.Papa said we will go to new doctor tommorow. I hope he will not be as cruel as this one. I can not stand on my own. Papa has to carry me all the time everywhere. It's my massi's wedding. I can not dance. Is this because i told you that i do not like Jibran as he stares me every time ? But you could have made him stay at home. Now please make sure that the new doctor is good.

Most of you wont get for what reason i was in pain but that's not worth mentioning here....apart from that i adore the innocence this mail had.....a 10 year girl is asking god to relieve her from the pain....and for all one knows that's what we ask for everyday.....to be relieved of the pains and evils and circles of life (which i suppose isn't possible until death)....
in another few mails of mine i told God what i wanted to be...as for then i wanted to be the Prime Minister of India..... can you believe that...this aspiration ended soon enough and i then wanted to be a Flight Lieutenant in IAF for a long time....then i realized what i actually wanted to be......i had attained maturity at that point of time and till now i have segmented my life into three phases that are my ultimate goals "EAT" is as i call it but hey i don't mean eat literally here (may be some other post of mine would be about EAT) ....coming back to take a dip in my pool of thoughts yet again i wonder how frequently our desires, dreams, aspirations, inspirations and direction of devotion changes....as in our priorities keep changing, ergo we are constantly pulled towards different ways....some of them you can't get enough of some turn out to be of wee importance.

PS Concievingly some things don't ever change...some diversify and re-diversify and die out in the fullness of time but every priceless emotion related to these things will never wash out of your memory....sit back for a second and think about it..........!!

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