A wriggle to know the real me, to explore the things coming out in my way.. a lot has done yet a lot has to be done.. i hardly have any regret from life.. i just love my life the way it is for if the past haven't had happened i wouldn't have know the value of my present n my future.. My blog is a reflection of what i feel when I'm glad to skyrocketing heights and also when I'm low to seabed depths.. my experiences.. my memories and many more things that you may revael youself..!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

!nNoCeNcE rEl0@dEd ...........!!

I'm not very clear about the puddle of views crossing my mind that has been rising a few red flags in my head but i had to write about this...may be that way i'll be illuminated....
As we all come of age, things (inside and outside) change in a prolific manner.....some of them in absolute and some just re-modified...Either way, another piece of your pure shining soul has been smudge darkened.
Perhaps some of them vanish....innocence is one of them (and it explains the darkness smuged)....however that is not only what has flooded my minds with morning thoughts....i had (still have) this left-field habit of talking to God every sec of the day (i believe/hope it is OK to do so), call it naive or alien...well as i was talking about this habit of mine....at the age of 10 i started writing mails to God (oh yes i emailed him....such a tech savvy kid i was)....n to this day i continue doing so.... every single night i write to God about how my day went...what i did (good/bad)............what score i got today....how my handwriting was praised....how i boasted about my new colors... how my studies are getting tougher and tougher....how unbearable is my new form teacher....how glad i am to be a house captain...how well our house performance was all throughout the year....how i have been a good daughter n a brilliant sister...n how badly i have been nagging my mom n dad......how n for what i had fights with my sis.....why i am so thrillingly happy....or disconsolate.....feeling left-out....how badly i am in love.......how heartbroken i am.............so basically it was about all how,when,why,what, all other possible inquisitive n hush hush stuff (we all have our secrets no)....
last night i reread one of those mails (an early one)...here it goes

Dear Gody
I will not ask how you are today because you gave me so much of pain today and i am angry with you. Why did you do this ?
I worship you daily still u gave all this suffering to me. It's been a week that i have not gone to school.
Besides that it pains very badly. Every time the bandage is done i scream so loud out of pain and the doctor scolds me. I do not like that doctor.Papa said we will go to new doctor tommorow. I hope he will not be as cruel as this one. I can not stand on my own. Papa has to carry me all the time everywhere. It's my massi's wedding. I can not dance. Is this because i told you that i do not like Jibran as he stares me every time ? But you could have made him stay at home. Now please make sure that the new doctor is good.

Most of you wont get for what reason i was in pain but that's not worth mentioning here....apart from that i adore the innocence this mail had.....a 10 year girl is asking god to relieve her from the pain....and for all one knows that's what we ask for everyday.....to be relieved of the pains and evils and circles of life (which i suppose isn't possible until death)....
in another few mails of mine i told God what i wanted to be...as for then i wanted to be the Prime Minister of India..... can you believe that...this aspiration ended soon enough and i then wanted to be a Flight Lieutenant in IAF for a long time....then i realized what i actually wanted to be......i had attained maturity at that point of time and till now i have segmented my life into three phases that are my ultimate goals "EAT" is as i call it but hey i don't mean eat literally here (may be some other post of mine would be about EAT) ....coming back to take a dip in my pool of thoughts yet again i wonder how frequently our desires, dreams, aspirations, inspirations and direction of devotion changes....as in our priorities keep changing, ergo we are constantly pulled towards different ways....some of them you can't get enough of some turn out to be of wee importance.

PS Concievingly some things don't ever change...some diversify and re-diversify and die out in the fullness of time but every priceless emotion related to these things will never wash out of your memory....sit back for a second and think about it..........!!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

C@nv@$ 0f L!fe......!!

For me last few days had been uphill...well nothing bad has happened (so dun be worried for me n in case u had a great smile on your face pull that off...m having a great time actually.... "CHUCKLE" :P :P)..
i had those doleful days when all around is fine (might be PERFECT) but there has been a clove hitch in....in my heart...head (or whatever n wherever it should be)....there was something in the air that dunk me in blue....it flet like i lost all my charm....my bubbliness....my wittiness....every ounce of it was drained.....it was so easy for me to find out even the minustest of flaws....nothing seemed in order (even though all was)....unecessary details of the every thing kept making it's space in my head n literally drove me up the walls...any of my newly fangled endeavours would simply die halfway...the other case would be when i might me close but no cigar....n that would end up dragging me back to the drawing board again n again n all over...i wasnt me these days....n i usually dont drop a line about the whole caboodle happening to me but writing this might help me figure out what it was that clunged me so tight n dragged me so down....rundown'd me....i actually ran out of steam...like literally.....n to add on i had those creepy dreams that would add fuel to the fire...i tried figuring it all out...i wanted to know about what is it that making me go nuts...
i imagined myself sitting on a swing n went on to sit on the swing jus next....both us (hypothetical me n me) kept swinging unless i broke the ice...
Me:hey... (smile on my face)....!!
'me':hi.. (chaotic)....!!
ME:what is it....??
'me':what...dont you know.... :/
Me: no i dont...that y i'm here....n i need you to help me out....!!
'me':stop fooling yourself.....u n i are no different...u know what i knw....!!
Me:o i suppose you are right...but i was looking forward for you to enlighten me over this situation....i happen to have lost my mind ryt now....i tried figuring it out but nohtin came out....i couldnt get it straight...!!
'me': listen up girl...there not everything that needs to be known to you....you see when you paint something....you dont have any idea about it's gonna turn out....you just like playing with colors....and thats what you do....you blend those colors just fine to get a strikingly amusing picture every time....u manage it well...so is the life....you see....it's like a canvas.....and all your thoughts and actions...they are the colors that you choose to fill that canvas with..they are either dark and blue or bright n cheerful n thunder and lightning..like you put your heart in your paintings.....put it onto your sleeves.....n enjoy painting the "CANVAS OF LIFE"....bcz you know how everytime you engage yourself with painting it comes out b'ful.....just flow along the colors of life the same way....n life'll turn out to be extraordinarily b'ful......!!

Me: mmm yeah i guess i knew that.... :) (at ease)....!!
'me':u bet.....!!
Me: do i need to mention a thanks now.....??
'me': mmm well yes u can....
silence for a while...
n then...gales of laughter.....!!

PS life isnt that hard....sometimes only we get a little stiff (well okie not a little)....hehe.... :P ....!!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Ju$t @N0tHeR NeRdY g!Rl.......!!

The insanity within makes me sane

I’m nostalgia tinged with melancholy

What I loose makes me gain

I’m potpourri of zillion aromas

There’s a storm inside me

That can crush out the rocks

I rain in the rainbow colors

And sprinkle the morning dew

I reflect the thousand suns within

Yet calmness of moonlight is me

I paint the sky blue

And fill my pockets with cloud

I dream big n small

And want to conquer all

I feed on my passions

And drink jocund mojitios

I’m loud I’m shy

And words unspoken

I’m utter silence

That screams all around

Brilliance shines over me

Instead of all the flaws

Everything’s special about me

Yet I am just another nerdy girl…!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

$h!T H@pPeN$....!!

Copy and Paste ...... is a dime and a dozen these days......but can also head towards an axe to grind....well beyond a shadow of doubt it brings out the easier mode of sharing and collecting information,gathering data,n grabbing things that attracts you.....something dat was way too dozzy ( and copyrighted :o ) got my attention about an year back or even before as i dont remeber this very clearly now...... i picked up those lines from the net n used them in my fb profile n my blog too.....today i when i was cheking my mail as i was to recieve some very important documents..i got a notification about certain comments posted in my blog regardings those fictitious lines of poetry....it was from the author herself Ms Geetika kohli....n it had already drove her up the wall.....i was way too off my feet about what i had done to this girl unwittingly ....n i felt absolutely terrible about it but it had been too late....she was fuming with anger already.....i at once decided to pull the plug and clear the full monty and contacted her....she being exteremly humble was paitent enough to lend me an ear n  exempted me for my blind and deaf yet fallacious deed....the great thing being that we are now friends.....i felt like being on needles and pins....but then as it is said all's well that ends well.....!!

PS i guess i have got up over the wrong side of the bed today....but i'm still gonna keep my chin up and look forward for something good to happen to me.....!!

PPS did i mention that even after loads of hectic and pewt dashes i'm way too tickled pink for my twinny sneha.....??

Sunday, July 10, 2011

ThE W0mAn w!Th!n.....!!

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
a feeling of control over her destiny...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...!!  


Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Another phase of life has started....a whole new world awaits me....but some how i feel so hesistant to step into that world for i wonder if it would turn into a hallucnitory realm....what if it all comes tumbling down....waht if it all shatters into pieces....I'm just a step away from some thing verily awesome (i wana jump with joy)....but this isnt gona be easy....i'll have to relinquish the most unparalled,precious and eminent bit of my life ~ my family (this kills me)....!!
Finally when  my dreams got in my face here i am a bit at sea....never knew it's gonna b so tough....Trust me when i say having too many birds in your hand is evn worse than two in the bush.... What would you do if you had to choose between pune,banglore,noida,delhi,hyderabad,san fransico,singapore,new york and your family.....aah a blessing in disguise.... :(
pheeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww.....I'm nothing but a bundle of nerves right now but being a common thread it's gonna be your family isnt it.....?? (please agree)
i suppose m gonna choose the same but i'm not sure if m doing justice to my career....but then i dont care untill and unless I'm here at home...may be dats a bit off of me....perhaps i dont care anymore..eventhough i dont wana make a false move..and i know there's still a bone to be picked....and it's a dickens of a time but i'm leaving it all to you dear God.....n i hope you are listening.....!!

PS oo beloved Godiee....a picture is worth a thousand words.....u better know what i want n what i need.... :) amen.....!!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Y @ new blog....??

I apologize for being out f site for a while but i got busy in my exams n for helot of reasons not good enough to be discussed here.....apart from that i express my regret for the inconvenience caused to my followers n reader apart from my followers for they weren’t able to access my blog from quite a long time now......n twinny if u r reading this here goes the long story....

i actually messed up a lot of things back these days my blog being one of them....i stood up to the much spoken "an idle mind is a devil's workshop" saying..... :P

Well while one day i was peeping into every nook and corner of my blog....i dun know how and from where this fiendish brainstorm kind of thing happened inside my head i decided to change my blog's url.....result being neither it changed nor i could access my blog properly....i was limited to a fewer actions now.....as much indemnifications werent possible by the time.....but i never lost hope and resoluted to work over it after my exams are over....n here i am with a new blog yet all those precious posts are intact here in this new blog of mine.....!!

PS i have a humble solicitation....all you bloggers who are reading this never ever mess up with your blogger url.....it'll make you go crazy as a loon..... :)

PPS cheers to my new blog "PAINT IT RED"

painting my own world in my own colors !

$LUT - a word for MEN... ??

Dear Horny Rascals,

I’m going to die. Not because of you. It is a happy death. Because at last I’ve won. You might be worrying that this letter might get you some unwarranted frenzy since it’s going to be a dead woman’s last note. If you’re thinking so, you’re right. One of the only things that I want to do before I die is to make every man in this world experience hell. No, I’m not a psycho who has decided to kill everyone before killing herself. Well, I’m a woman; a frustrated, tormented and exploited woman, by none other than the sluts of the highest order - men. That can be ‘you’, if you’re one of those who would read this letter just in hope to find more mentions of vagina, breasts and clitoris. Trust me, which you’ll.

I was born in brothels. That’s why they call me a slut today. I was first raped at the age of 6 and had been raped consistently by every man that crossed across my vision, till 15, when my whore mother married me to a broker. Does this excite you? Does this make your penis swell up in pride? Sit down quietly, because it’s not my story.

I’m 24. Educated. Indian. Taken thrice. Ditched twice, both kinds. Single now. I never had the chance to actually pay heed to my sexuality until the unknown dick-horns around my society, some of them who I’d once played cricket with, started giving me lecherous stares when I just crossed my puberty. My entire body used to cringe back in fear whenever those eyes seemed to see through my clothes, stripping me with those insolent eyes. In the city of sperms, my breasts seemed to be just another place for men to jack off.

For a 13 year old girl, the world was not too friendly. But she had gotten used to it, much like every other girl. At 17, she got her first kiss. She was delighted. At 17 and a half, her first dick. She was scared at its first sight. He did it until she barfed. She tried again, barfed again. Three times in a row, she was already accustomed. To love is to sacrifice, he told. She was a gullible girl, she loved him. She looked at his eyes. They were closed, as though experiencing heaven, while she was tasting hell. At 18, she caught him experiencing heaven once again. She didn’t have to barf this time. Tears were enough. She didn’t talk to the darker sex for one long year. Her desires died with the tears that went out. She clang to the four walls of her ancestral house, where her ailing grandmother couldn’t get her parents to come back to life and ultimately, she herself decided to go to heaven.

But it wasn’t what she went through when she was 18 that makes her crave to die now. It wasn’t even 21, when he met him. He was her uncle, who inherited the house from the late ailing grandma. He never visited the sprawling bungalow earlier, not even on Grandma’s death, but now when he managed to get a fortune worth a million, he couldn’t resist coming every weekend. He was sweet, flirtatious and charming. That’s what it looked to her. She didn’t see his reflection on the mirror, which was vile, venomous and knave. And married. She was a gullible girl, she loved him. She didn’t mind his real qualifications. She didn’t mind betrayal, as long as it was for her.

He always used to bring her ice-creams, never with a spoon though. His fingers were to be licked, which would go to explore all her body. She didn’t mind. It took him just a long sentimental conversation about her past to shed all her inhibitions, to shed all her clothes. To shed all her emotional burden, to a man she loved. She was a gullible girl, she loved him. When clothes were not around, bruises covered her body. He was rough. He was stronger. She liked it. She liked the pain. She felt safe with him. In an unsafe act on a mesmerizing Saturday night, she got a jar-full of tails inside her womb, one of which accidentally made her a woman from a girl.

She was carrying a life inside her. She didn’t tell him. She was a gullible woman, she loved him. She knew he was married and he would negate. The next time he came to do it, she wasn’t in a mood. He found out. He asked for an abortion. She didn’t comply. He forced her. She didn’t comply. He slapped her, puller her hair. She didn’t comply. He yelled that her wife would be devastated if she ever comes to know about an illegitimate child. She didn’t comply. She promised that she won’t bother him, if he could just let her have the child. He tried to burn her. She ran away. She wanted the child. She was a gullible woman, she still loved him.

Eight months later, she gave birth. Love had faded away, by now. She was a mother to a daughter, who could be a victim to another assault, another struggle and another betrayal. She had no money. She decided to let her child see his father. Tattered, she went to his place. She shouted at his gate. His wife came out. She yelled his name. His wife threw stones at her. She bled. She wanted to see him. She called his name again, asking him to come and see his child. He came out. Her face brightened at the sight of him. She was a gullible woman, she still loved him. He was bewildered. He went inside and came out with a wooden-stick and started to batter her, shouting ‘SLUT’ all the while. She carried her child close to her bosom, saving her from the fatal beating. Blood was dripping from her forehead. She was smiling. She liked the pain. She missed it all the while. Blood entered her mouth. She wanted more. She turned to him. The stick hit the two days old girl. A moment later, her little breath got tired of itself. She howled, moaned, until the entire neighbourhood came out seeing what was happening. People called her a maniac and asked police to take her into custody. She had already fainted. They got rid of her, forever.

However, she couldn’t forget what had happened. Every little incident seemed to be a dark spot in her memory. When she got her senses back, she realized that her clothes had been ripped off. She was in a dark room, on a darker steel chair. Her lower half was senseless. She touched it. It was wet. She smelled the fluid. It seemed familiar. She tasted it. It tasted red. Rape. It took her forty minutes to drag herself to the nearest steel grill. Dark red stains followed on the floor behind her. She moaned. She engraved SLUT in her arm by rubbing it with the grill’s edges. It sparked a smile on her face. Smile for the realization that she was no more a gullible woman, she no more loved him.

The grill opened. Three policemen, laughing. Three hours later, amidst echoes of her tired groans, blood was her only companion, holding her tightly. She lay there for another day. The door creaked open. This time they were two. One from yesterday, another one new. She didn’t groan this time.

Three days later, she was allowed to go, in her tattered clothes. She didn’t know where to go. The lonely street became her home. Thoughts of her past clouded her mind. College going teenagers who used to cross her shouted ‘whore’ at her, young gentlemen intentionally used to pee alongside the wall, wagging their dirty penises at her, some of the older gentlemen tried to be decent by just peeping into her tattered top to get a glimpse of her contused nipples, while small children provoked by horny men aimed marbles in between her legs. She didn’t reciprocate. They never got tired. They had a lot of testosterone to run their lives with, forever. School children on their way back to home, when they saw the word SLUT engraved on her hand, wrote ‘SLUT’ on papers and threw at her, giggling when she picked them. She picked them up, opened them and crushed them. She opened them again and again, saw the four lettered word every time and crushed them aside.

Two days later, she went missing. The crumpled papers went missing as well. She had a lot of anger inside her. She had experienced so much pain that it hurt her no more. So much that it could have easily made her kill every single man who came into her life, who dared to grab her bosom, who had penetrated deep inside her without any feeling for her, who had ever dared to touch her. But she didn’t do that. She didn’t want to kill anyone. Blood was her companion, not somebody else’s. She wanted to die. But, before that she had a mission to fulfill.

I had a similar mission. And that’s how she met me. She came to me and asked me to fulfill her one last desire. The desire to change a definition. Definition of SLUT to ‘a promiscuous or disreputable MAN’. She awaits with me, to see this letter reach each and every woman present in this world, and this movement surpass the borders to make lexicographers succumb to her last wish, so that she dies a painless death.

Article source : Diary of a SLUT

PS i was goin through some articles on net while my eyes stopped at this one.....i had goosebumps reading this article and wanted all of you to go through this coz this is the least talked about but acerbic,virulent,disgraceful,mortifying and mournfull reality of the awfully nasty and roughshod world we live in...!!